Garden Healing Church

Grateful for Healing in Nature – for all of us mind control subjects

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The Joy of Weeding!

weed bouquet smI don’t usually like to weed, but this morning was fun – and I learned a lot!

Greg started, and guilt brought me out.

The weeds between the street and our fence had grown up fast as usual, looked pretty for a while, but now were in that weedy seedy stage – time to go.

In recent years, I’ve become absolutely aware that the Findhorn people are right:  intelligence lives in the plants just as surely as intelligence lives in us.  

They’ve been called fairies, elementals, and more (along with gnomes, sylphs, etc. that live in the air above them and the earth below them, always in communication with each other – of course – that’s how the world works), and they are most often very indignant about the way humans bumble around in our gardens or wild areas, and they stay hidden.

I also learned that fairies hate it when their plant is cut down while in flower – as that’s where they live.

So now when I remove any weed that’s still in flower, I put it in a vase.  Simple.  They abide the disruption if we respect them, as when we appreciate them in a vase.

Even the utility area can be beautified with flowers!

Even the utility wall can be beautified with flowers!

The work was more fun with this added bit of creativity.

As I weeded, I thought about humanity, disrupting the Earth’s harmony in so many ways that most of us are oblivious to for most of our lives.

Such disrespect!  So many intelligences made so resentful of us.

And I felt that my mind control is but a microcosm of this macrocosm of ignorance and disrespect.  I’m just one more being used for someone’s purpose, disrespected as an individual they can’t see, just like all the intelligence of nature that we’ve been trained doesn’t exist and so we’ve ignored it and trampled it for most of our lives.

As I respect the intelligence of these flowers, and admire their beauty, I feel supported and strengthened by the intelligence of the Earth.  And I support myself:  I give myself bouquets!

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Powerful Full Moon to You ~

clouds-full-moonI hope this Full Moon day is a good one for you!  It has the potential to be a powerful one.

First, let’s talk about this Full Moon and what it means for us all, and in the next post I’ll share what’s come about for me in the last few days – nothing short of feeling born anew.

A few days ago, I pulled an astrological chart for the day from a site that offers the free service.  I summarized it with these keywords and phrases:

high sensitivity, high standards, strong feelings, caution, service, self-pride, self-expression, expanding consciousness, social change, and working together.  

Most important was strong feelings, which has four planets producing the effect!  Strong feelings times four!

I set aside the day  in my calendar – plus the days before and after – with the words “Stay Home” filling the spaces.

And I began wrestling with a bit more determination some of my more pressing “reality questions” and healing problems.  I wrote them down.  I addressed them more consistently in my meditation and prayers.  I listened and looked for clues.  (Sometimes clear answers were just there and obvious.)

It’s possible I have been struggling with no answers for so long because of some fault of my own, or perhaps the mind control was just very strong, and everything has its time.  In any case, this week I began to get answers.  I’ll post them soon in another blog.

Meantime, if you can and you haven’t done it already, set aside the as much time as you can for the rest of the day and tomorrow, and see what you can sense with these energies of high sensitivity.  Set your standards high.  Be ready for strong feelings (turn off the phone, give yourself quiet, treat yourself very well).  Exercise appropriate caution.  While you open yourself to service, remember to have self-pride, and express yourself.  Expect to expand your consciousness.  Know you are part of social change, and we’re all in it together.

Powerful day to you, full of blessings ~

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Three Days in Darkness

Of course, we all know, or we’ve all heard, that spiritual progress on this human plane is never really “done,” and so I think it’s the same with healing, although certain aspects of healing may be accomplished, we always have more, and we’ll certainly experience more that must be healed.

So I think I shouldn’t have been taken so low last week – I think I should have understood and taken it in stride – but I didn’t.  I thought I’d had enough, and I wanted to die.

On the third evening of three painful days, I lay on my bed and really tried to give up the ghost.  My heart had been in pain (in a vice, it seemed) for three days, and I’d been shown a print-out of my slow heart rate with an unhealthy delay between the beats of the first and second chambers.  My arms and jaw startled me now and then with their own pains throughout those days – classic heart attack symptoms I’ve had before (which I attribute to my life of mind control electroshocks and Tasering).

But after lying down, crying, sobbing, and giving up this life, but not dying, and my heart pain mysteriously gone, I got up, accepted my fate (to live), and wrote in my journal that I was pissed and not happy about it at all.

Even as I outlined my points of justification, I realized things that I could control.

1.  I don’t have enough help!

Well, I thought in response, you aren’t very consistent about asking for help. 

Point taken.

2.  I don’t have enough understanding!

Ditto answer.


3.  I’m too messed with (my biggie, my Ace), which makes me too often too exhausted to do more than barely keep up, not a state worth continuing life for.  I never know when I’m going to wake with bruises, biopsy holes, or even Taser burns, all with incredible exhaustion which will zap all my energy and put everything in my life on hold for a week or two, making me look like a totally irresponsible person.  Not fair!

Oh, get off it!  You’ve known for a long time that nothing’s fair.  As for the attacks, you need to learn to stop them.  You need to rediscover your warrior part.  Yes, you’ve been trying, but maybe you haven’t been trying the right things, or the right timing, or something else, so life keeps on demanding this of you until you figure it out.  It’s the human condition, for where you are.  Get help, get creative, but figure it out.  Quit whining.  You know you’ve been strong in past lives and came into this world with a lot of wisdom, and yes, you’ve been “messed with,” as you say, mind controlled, but so has everyone, and even though yours might be a super-demanding version of it, it’s what you came here for.  You’re down right now, but you’ll get it.  That’s why we haven’t let you die yet.  You really do have the power to figure it out, even though you’re stumped now and angry (a cover for fear).  You’ll get over it.  And then you’ll get back to the Work.


And so I have.  And I have realized a couple of things that have kept me from my power:

First, I have been afraid to tell the truth about who I am because… I’m not sure, but I’m willing to bet I’ve been mind controlled to be ashamed about who I am, so I only allude to things most important to me, but usually only very subtly, and rarely.  Most of my days I’ve gone around pretending to be Every Woman, or an old-hippie version of Every Woman.  And I thought this had value, made my writing most accessible to my audience.  This is possibly true, but my writing has also been very limited, sorta of “lowest common denominator” (as I was trained to write as a journalist), and so it’s been least useful.

When I thought I was dying, I gave up “everything,” and I realized later that that also included what others think about me.  What a wonderful thing to finally give up!

It is infinitely more important for me to communicate the truth of who I am, to however small an audience, than to communicate a tepid, easy-to-accept version of me to the “masses.”

And that “safe” presentation is part of keeping me split – keeping the real me hidden (requiring splitting) while the “socially acceptable” part plays a role.  I didn’t realize I was failing so badly at simple Truth, but I was.  It reinforced my splittedness and made me forget my truth.

Second, because I wanted to be and offer something socially acceptable, I forgot what I am:  called to shamanic practice – as we call  it today.  My subconscious decision to hide has made me forget it myself, making me a very irresponsible practitioner, taking “days” off that turned into weeks and months.

I wasn’t afraid that people, at least those I cared about, wouldn’t understand or accept – as most seem to be animists at heart, so they should.  But I thought they would secretly ridicule or denounce me as either too stupid or unworthy, or as someone jumping on a bandwagon – and indeed, I myself have problems with others promoting it like the newest fad, putting it on business cards, etc.  I don’t want others to say about me what I’ve said about others!

Shamanic practice feels too sacred an avocation to speak of.  So when someone asks about one’s vocation, I haven’t known what to say; I kept it a secret, and together with other excuses, it became almost a secret to me.

But this is who I am:  I am one who sees the world in multiple dimensions and seeks (hopefully forever now more consistently) to strengthen my relationships with all my spirit help, and thereby continue my healing to the point where I will be more confident about helping others.

This all became clear only after I’d wallowed for three days in my death wish and gave up everything of this world.  When all was stripped away, I could see who I was and what is most important to me in this world.

It is:  to continue to learn personally about the other realms, develop skills in them, learn to communicate and navigate, learn to bring back information, and learn to help others – what we call shamanism or shamanic practice.  

On and off I’ve been living this life for decades, secretly.  I’ve participated in healings, and they’ve been life-changing for me and others.  I’ve received information from those on the other side.  I’ve gone there and come back.  I know my helpers.  I know my practice.

But there is so much more I need to learn.  And there’s nothing more in this world that I want to do, other than create the setting around me to facilitate this, and then use it to help myself and others.

Three days believing I was dying – it was a difficult, but clarifying time, for which I am grateful.  I now know (again) what is most important to me.  Sometimes we forget.  (The world wants us to forget.)  And sometimes only great pain can help us remember.

Now, I’m happily back in contact – wait, I forgot to confess one more failure.  I subconsciously, for decades, have attributed to my spirit help one characteristic of my parents: that they would love me more the more silent I was and the less I needed them, the less I asked for.  One of my shamanic teachers helped me recognize this ten years ago, but I “forgot”!

So now I’ve remembered and I’ve been spending lots of daily time with my help, asking for whatever I need, and making great progress for just a week.  I have a half-dozen more essays in my head to write, some designing I’ve envisioned, some practices to practice.

And I believe we can actually get through this, this crazy world in which Carlos Castaneda’s mentor Don Juan Matus said we need to “change the course of sorcery.”  The current sorcery is mind control, and we need to help change that, especially those of us who can see it so well.  This is our world too.  We have a role to play.

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Feel to Heal ~

Remember that old saying, “Gotta feel to heal”?

I felt so much yesterday, I could barely see.  It hurt to walk.  I wanted to die.

Today I feel better and understand quite a few things.

I had just extracted numbers from my journal of the last 6 months and was not surprised to see the huge number of days indicating I was truly exhausted around half the time, talking about ending my life five times, with bruises and marks left on my body, and even more details I’d forgotten about (many of which I wrote about in my last blog).

So I wasn’t surprised to feel terrible on Saturday.  I thought it was a natural response to reading my own journal!

Maybe it was Satanic rituals, as a commenter of my MK site suggested (I don’t feel like looking up old research on that to know for sure), but whatever – them or me – it had a good result:  I see some important things.

First, I realize I need to not let 6 months of stuff go by without dealing with it!  Sheesh!  What was I thinking?

I think I know:  Trying to stay positive, focused on the light (ignoring the dark), and staying more easily “functional” in this crazy, numbing world.

Yeah, but that’s not very smart, as I’ve coached others before:  Survival requires we be aware of our environment!

(We teach what we need to learn, right?  So here I am.)

Second, to accomplish that, I plan to take one day each week to summarize the previous seven days (I can handle that!), to recognize what are the energies swirling around in my life.  Have I ignored some lie (as Pamela Meyer challenges us not to do in the video I linked to in this blog)?  Where is my strength?  Where are creative juices flowing?  What do I need?

I’ll make it Sunday, since the culture makes that day more available.  It’s quiet.

Of course, there’s a daily aspect too, but it’s also important to go retrospective now and then for a longer view.

Third – well, I don’t need to share everything, but I’ll be making a new space for myself.  Power is flowing again.

I hope and pray Power and Love are flowing in you also today ~





Speaking Truth: Becoming Whole

Recently I experienced something I haven’t had for a very long time, if not my entire life:  a new sense of being a “whole” person.

This is a powerful feeling and a powerful concept for one who’s experienced amnesia, multiple-ness and other symptoms related to dissociation or multiple personality.

Ever since 1994, when I realized I was multiple and learned very quickly that no one wanted to hear about it, I began choosing whom to tell and whom to not tell.  I didn’t realize that it might actually be okay to tell almost anyone – if I told it in the right manner, i.e., without drama and with the appropriate context.  But I didn’t know how to do that yet.

Of course, much of what I have tried to share over the years has been rejected:  mind control, government involvement, even the “craziness” of aliens.  So it made sense I wanted to avoid further rejection.

But soon I felt the discomfort of hiding the rejected stuff.  And it took some years to figure out a way to present it so that it was “acceptable” to others, not a horror.

And making it acceptable to others required that I figure out how to make it “acceptable” to me – even something I was proud to be working through – and less a horror.

I’d had one website for my memoir and another website for my business persona, and I was usually very conscious of leading people to one and never giving certain cards to others.  Sometimes, though, I spoke publicly and wondered what people thought when they heard or read about my strange life and then saw I had a very “normal”-looking presentation on my main website.  And I had no way to answer those questions.

Slowly, over the years, I began to make a few website connections, but only for people who cared enough to follow a series of almost-hidden links from one site to another.  So very few people found the connections, and no one ever talked to me about my shadow life.

Finally, last month, after some soul searching, I decided to make “Mind Control Activist” my primary activity on my main (business) site, followed by everything else I do.  I had realized that nothing in the world meant more to me than that, and I was tired of hiding it.

Wonderful new energy welled up in me as I made the changes and re-presented myself to others online, and have begun to do that same personally as well.

In a flash I realized I was facilitating more healing!  I was pulling together what others had sought to fracture!  I was refusing to stay in my self-imposed closet, enforcing my own fractures.

As I viewed my own new page, I realized I felt whole again.  There I was:  a whole person with many interests, interwoven, and all part of a cohesive whole.  Cohesive because I finally allowed them to be.

I feel “out of the closet,” and very free.

Others like me might try it – eventually, when it feels right.  Everyone has different circumstances.  And “to every time, there is a season.”

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Energized to Speak So Much Truth!

“I’ve been waiting for something to happen
For a week or a month or a year
With the blood in the ink of the headlines
And the sound of the crowd in my ear.”

— Jackson Browne, Lives in the Balance

(Greg and I have been singing that endlessly the last few days.)

Last week I wrote a blog on, titled “New Starting Point.”  I’d finally realized I’d written for too long the way I’d been taught as a radio journalist:  simple, 6th grade level for the average American – and finally realized that it wasn’t working, at least for “this stuff.”  I couldn’t get in “the people’s” shoes and still take my leaps.

I decided to quit writing from anyone’s vantage but my own.  I’d write only from my own, real, only partly-journalist self – the one who’s been drifting between dimensions all of my life, trying to act normal, and finding it quite a struggle.

In my 30s, as a single mom, I used to win awards and recognitions regularly, but I’ve not been very productive for the last two decades (though I’ve been trying to be useful and I think I’ve been).  I haven’t been too bothered; I’ve known something’s brewing, and soon everything’s going to change.  (I think we’ve begun.)

Since January I’ve been having two weeks at a stretch every month when I can hardly function, and Greg has to do most of the work and bring in the income.  I’ve been apologizing, but we’ve both felt that something good was coming out of all the extra sleep.

And suddenly last Full Moon, something got me out of bed, and I wrote for hours, suddenly understanding quite clearly the work I’m supposed to do, which brings together everything in perfect harmony that I have ever done in my life, but in a totally surprising way – to me.

I need to articulate what I see in the world, and what I see is a moment of history in which people wake up and speak their truth.

The urgency of this moment requires our bodies, minds, and souls; and it’s our bodies, minds, and souls that will experience the benefit.

The involvement of our souls is what makes it right that this conversation be in a church.

Now, that’s the part that daunted me, that has held me back for over a decade when this sort of idea first seemed like “crazy stuff” that would’t go away.  The idea had a sort of reality to it, so I was ordained, but then mostly forgot about it.  Besides, I thought, I have nothing to tell anyone, as I’m still fighting these things called demons.

Unknown-2Then a few months ago, Greg read to me the introduction of Black Elk Speaks, about how he had had visions like me for all his life too and was tormented by demons until he finally accepted his calling.

His description of the struggle stunned me, as he could have been describing my last decade-plus.  With astonishment, I told Greg, and God, that I would accept this calling and act when I understood it.

A few weeks went by, and the concept felt certain, but I saw no details, no practical first steps, so I didn’t think about it, other than that it was interesting, more “out there” than I like to be, and I wondered if my Spirit Help would actually convince me to do anything.

Suddenly, as I said, on the night of this last Full Moon, I got up and, not having had any ideas before, suddenly “saw it” and drafted almost everything  I needed to define this church and ministry here on this website.  And I’ve been polishing and expanding it for four days straight, and I’m totally energized by speaking this much truth!

So that’s how it’s come about, Friends.  I never wanted to take on this role, but now that I’ve written all this (including my own spiritual history – nice to not hold it secret any longer), it feels very comfortable and right.

I have a short list of upcoming sermons I’m looking forward to writing.

So please check out this website, MK Garden Healing, and if the Spirit moves you, become a member and subscribe.