Recently I experienced something I haven’t had for a very long time, if not my entire life: a new sense of being a “whole” person.
This is a powerful feeling and a powerful concept for one who’s experienced amnesia, multiple-ness and other symptoms related to dissociation or multiple personality.
Ever since 1994, when I realized I was multiple and learned very quickly that no one wanted to hear about it, I began choosing whom to tell and whom to not tell. I didn’t realize that it might actually be okay to tell almost anyone – if I told it in the right manner, i.e., without drama and with the appropriate context. But I didn’t know how to do that yet.
Of course, much of what I have tried to share over the years has been rejected: mind control, government involvement, even the “craziness” of aliens. So it made sense I wanted to avoid further rejection.
But soon I felt the discomfort of hiding the rejected stuff. And it took some years to figure out a way to present it so that it was “acceptable” to others, not a horror.
And making it acceptable to others required that I figure out how to make it “acceptable” to me – even something I was proud to be working through – and less a horror.
I’d had one website for my memoir and another website for my business persona, and I was usually very conscious of leading people to one and never giving certain cards to others. Sometimes, though, I spoke publicly and wondered what people thought when they heard or read about my strange life and then saw I had a very “normal”-looking presentation on my main website. And I had no way to answer those questions.
Slowly, over the years, I began to make a few website connections, but only for people who cared enough to follow a series of almost-hidden links from one site to another. So very few people found the connections, and no one ever talked to me about my shadow life.
Finally, last month, after some soul searching, I decided to make “Mind Control Activist” my primary activity on my main (business) site, followed by everything else I do. I had realized that nothing in the world meant more to me than that, and I was tired of hiding it.
Wonderful new energy welled up in me as I made the changes and re-presented myself to others online, and have begun to do that same personally as well.
In a flash I realized I was facilitating more healing! I was pulling together what others had sought to fracture! I was refusing to stay in my self-imposed closet, enforcing my own fractures.
As I viewed my own new page, I realized I felt whole again. There I was: a whole person with many interests, interwoven, and all part of a cohesive whole. Cohesive because I finally allowed them to be.
I feel “out of the closet,” and very free.
Others like me might try it – eventually, when it feels right. Everyone has different circumstances. And “to every time, there is a season.”