Garden Healing Church

Grateful for Healing in Nature – for all of us mind control subjects

Tag Archives: mind control healing


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A Petition to: BAN ELECTRONIC WARFARE ON CIVILIANS

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/synergy  This site – and all the people commenting on it – inspired me to comment too, and I ended up writing a short essay that I like and will share here, with a few photos added:

Bombed car sm

After doing media work for the historic “Judi Bari vs FBI” federal trial, in which the feds were found guilty of most charges related to the assassination attempt on Judi Bari, my lifelong mind control torment has been seriously amped up.

IMG_1725I’ve woken with Taser burns, a burn on the back of my neck – both third-degree with skin burned off – scoop marks, injection bruises, “donut” bruises, lacerations and punctures in my vagina, healed scars including one my doctor thought was a thyroid surgery scar, total exhaustion, and occasionally dealings that seemed to be with aliens (which could be induced hallucinations or real).    

After 13 1/2 years of freaking out and being suicidal about my mind control, I’m beginning to see that it’s not a simple horror – it’s actually everything and everywhere.  And it may not be human.  Everything in nature is under control of many things.  Mind control begins with DNA and the elements like weather, then language and our calendar, then economics, laws, education, government, etc.  And eventually science did to people what it’s done to the Earth – turned everything into a resource.  We are human resources; they’ve been honest in calling us that!  We’ve heard it and shrugged.  Now we’re realizing it’s full implications, and it’s shocking.  One more major trauma in the history of humanity.  (Think back:  much of history is trauma.)

Without hope in the other realms, we on Earth have been reduced to resources, regardless that we’ve been led along with lies about freedom, human rights, etc.  If we only have this Earth life in which to hope, then we must toe Their line or be seriously punished.

[Can we tell them (since they’re spying and listening all the time), “Hey, I change my mind.  I’ll quit whistle blowing [or whatever] and join you”? if we’re willing to sacrifice our beliefs for relief (as it seems others must be doing)?  I don’t know.  I’ve gone to that edge and wondered, but haven’t crossed it.]

Mostly, I believe I have Helpers in other realms who rescue or resuscitate me now and then, though I do have to suffer indignities and pain and loss of will to live and sheer energy to live – way more often than I sometimes think I have the spirit to sustain, but then my Helpers bring me back.  (Or might it be the controllers, keeping me alive for another day? I don’t know. I think I’ll chose the more palatable option, my Helpers.)

It’s a weird life to live.  Good thing I know we have other lifetimes, so I can feel less attached to this one.  It helps to step into the role of Witness.  We are witnesses of an incredible time in human history – from the deepest darkest inside, which few see and fully understand, but we do.  There’s something important in our role, as witnesses regarding human evolution.  It’s incredibly lonely because no one wants to hear, but it’s important.  And one day, maybe on another realm, we’ll help others understand how this came about, so we maybe we can help protect the future.  Don’t know.  Playing with ideas.  Imagining from a higher height….

As far as this world right now, though, I’ve quit believing we can change anything through political action – BUT, I know I could be wrong, so I hedge my bets and support causes like this one that encourage us – but I don’t see the possibility in America anymore.  On the other hand, I KNOW we get help from Other Realms – rarely when we think it’s due, but enough.

And that’s another silver lining:  having lost all hope in this Earth insanity, we are forced to cut our emotional connections to Earth life and look beyond.  Atheists, I know, will hate this, but I do appreciate that this pain does send me into other realms where I believe it is important to connect, and I don’t otherwise, as least not as often as would probably be good fore me, because Earth happenings and all the entertainment is way too entrancing.  It’s almost like our mind control tortures us so badly that we are saved from the mainstream soul-deadening delusions of the masses, slowly boiling like frogs in a pot; whereas, we are the frogs that jumped out of our mesmerized complacency, thanks to the extra-high heat.

rf-2nd-ed-front-cover-20[I write and video blog about my life and struggles on Paradigm Salon.net, my other sites, and in my book, RattleSnake Fire, called “not only great literature, but an important historical document.”]

Blessings on us all.  Peace, friends.  Please don’t give up too easily.  Remember this world is bigger and more complicated than we can know; and the bully in our life might be about to get whumped by someone bigger.  We don’t know, but we shouldn’t discount it when the stakes are so high – our life.

Also, leaving this life (as many people entertain, including me) may not be an escape, if the other dimensions are extensions of this, as I believe they are.  So it behooves us to develop our extra-dimensional minds, as the only way to see a bigger picture and have a chance.

At the moment, we are in trauma at the hands of the most Powerful people on Earth; therefore our only salvation is beyond this Earth, where we can’t go, or beyond this dimension, which we can.  I conclude: it’s time to develop our extra-dimensional minds.

pablo amaringo Llullon Llaki Supai

I hope this helps someone.  Compassion for all.


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No longer a shamanic practitioner

imagesI mean no disrespect to shamanic practitioners, but I have just become aware of how unproductive, and maybe spiritually vulnerable, that attempted practice has been for me.  Yesterday, I stood at my alter, before an overwhelming clutter of totems of various animals that have played a significant role in my life, many totems of some of them, and felt a cacophony of guilt in my head for not being more disciplined about staying in connection with each of them, as is supposedly my responsibility if I want to accept their gifts.  But I have failed in that responsibility again and again.

Yeshiva - (I meant to write, and thought I wrote "Yeshua," but I wrote this interesting derivation! Wonder where that came from….

Yeshiva – (I meant to write, and thought I wrote “Yeshua,” but I wrote this interesting derivation! Wonder where that came from….

And I had tremendous guilt about not acknowledging Yeshua more, whom I consider my spiritual leader, my tribal chief – but I hate the images of him painted in our culture by obnoxious evangelists and corrupt doctrine-writers, so unlike my image of him as the counter-culture, anti-materialist, love and peace prophet.  And since the foundation of my programming was done in churches with all that other religious iconography and his “name” – JEEZ-suz – being used (American South rendering of the Greek translation of his Hebrew name).  (And I’ll save for later the story of how a “Christian” church helped my abusive husband take my kids from me for two years.)   So my picture of Yeshua has him in a lotus pose, in saffron robes, flowers in a necklace, surrounded by lotus flowers, his heart open, wounded and shining, a crown of thorns on his head, a halo, a hand sign of peace, a gesture to the heart, and a look of calm sincerity.  (It came from a magazine cover, and I’ll appreciate if anyone can help me with the source – I’d like to credit it and the artist.)

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I also like this portrait of him. His counsel regarding prayer: “Pray alone.” I like that. Feels most real to me.

So yesterday, I stood before my altar, hands at prayer pose, namaste, feeling very real with him, confused about who I am and how I’m doing, a racket of other voices – or my imagination of them – telling me I’m a bad shamanic practitioner and I can’t keep up any discipline.  Suddenly, I realized I didn’t have to.  Yes, I’d really believed I was strong enough to accept the shamanic initiation invitation, and I’d told myself, “Once the doors are opened, you can’t shut them” – and that’s true – but I had assumed that that meant I had to use those shamanic practices to keep my bearings in that world.  Suddenly I realized that, even though I was invited, and that means the doors have been opened, I don’t have to play by their rules, i.e., shamanism.  Yes, I’ve had many amazing, sublime shamanic experiences, but I don’t feel the need to sit in counsel with animal spirits.  I believe the animal spirits, trees spirits, insect spirits, and all the elementals and devas and intelligences of every sort in this Ocean of Spirit can come to my aid, and they will when called, but I will take my counsel in prayer with Yeshua.  And I realized all those totems were way to much visual noise.  I kept a few things to remind me of special events, but those very few are scattered now around the house.  My eagle feather hangs in a tree, where it probably likes it better.  And Yeshua is uncrowded in the center of my wall.

Oh, my Lord, I can’t tell you what an energy rush that was to remove everything!!  Once I began, it was like an avalanche:  many, many items now sit out in the sunroom awaiting separation into piles of gifts, piles of things to throw away, and things to sell.  (I’m not assuming these things are wrong for someone else, and thereby am recycling them for someone else’s life lessons.)  The clearing in here is palpable!

Last night, we talked about some things I’d thought we’d never be able to face, but we did.  We hardly slept last night,  both racked to our souls, and today we both feel clean and clear and dedicated to love and creative living.  What a relief!

At one point I sobbed, “I feel like I’ve been in a balloon, tossed around in a harrowing storm for 21 years, and I just touched ground safely.

Another image appeared of an abscess lanced, gaping open, being flushed out.  Relief.

~

March 9, 2016:  I still relate, for the most part, to this blog, though I don’t close the door on the possibility of returning to the practice in a new form.  Not yet.


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A New Healing Practice!

I’ll explain the practice in a moment.  But first let me share my journal entry – written just now – about it:

I love this timer and this practice!! I LOVE knowing what I’ve done all day.  I used to have to ask Greg, or struggle to remember, and feel guilty because I was never sure if I was being lazy or not taking care of myself.

This is GREAT!!  

I feel like living, like it’s worth it, and like I’m NOT running to catch up because I’m not sure if I’m working hard enough or getting anything accomplished.  I’m working with more energy, but not pushing myself.  I feel self-possessed, and strong.

What a feeling to know.  

I’ve needed this book for SO LONG!!

What did I do?  I went back to doing what I used to do as a business person – what helped me handle things with quite a bit of skill:  I kept a somewhat complicated datebook of my own design, made to manage exactly what I needed to manage in a manner that took into consideration my particular brain and its quirks.

To develop it, I thought a lot about how my mind works.  (I didn’t know I was multiple then, but I knew I absolutely needed my unique calendar or was lost.)

Since 1993, though, I haven’t wanted to use a datebook of any design unless I had to.  It represented rigidity and someone who might not be open to possibly-blessing serendipities.  So, for the last 21 years, I’ve only used calendars as often as I’ve needed them.

I tried to keep them away from me, as if they’d end the intense spiritual phase of my life which had amplified amazingly when I’d moved to the desert, gotten rid of my calendar, and opened my mind to immediate experiences of sunrises, sunsets, birds, insects, wild animals, weather, light, dark, hunger, food, thirst, water, walking, resting, waking.

While that triggered the most powerful time of my life, very healing, it also triggered some understanding of things very frightening, but important – for understanding simple reality.  It helped me begin a long hard struggle toward healing.

So I didn’t want to return to the calendar-mind.  No way.  I was proud to be oblivious of time.

But I also lost of sense of knowing where I was, what I’d experienced, and what needs to be done.  I’d acted as though vision and inspiration were enough.

(What irony, as the work I’ve always done has been teaming up with visionaries to “put legs on the vision and make it walk.”)

But no one was my manager to put the legs on.   I tried, but without help with self-discipline, I have too many selves to keep things moving in a productive direction.  I’ve been staggering around directionless for a pathetically long time.

A few days ago, after I read about this Full Moon today, I became motivated to prepare myself to catch the wave of this powerful energy.  I thought more about my mind and what help I need.  I decided to design a notebook for a new sort of business:  the business of healing myself.

I – a manager at heart – finally, after 21 years trying and failing to do too much in my head, have designed a system for myself.

First, I made daily check sheets that remind me of all the things that are important for me to do each day, that I want to do, that support this most important thing in my life – my healing – but that I often forget to do, maybe because I’m mind controlled to forget, but in any case, I forget way too often.

They’re simple things:

– Write dreams or first thoughts
– Note the time
– Take supplements
– Eat lots of vegetables
– Eat lots of fruit
– Drink herbal medicine tea
– Track use and reaction to herbal medicine to assure correct dose
– Be aware of physical and emotional energy
– Meditate/self-inquire/pray
– Walk, exercise, or do yoga
– Time in garden
– Summarize highlights of the day before
(and the week on Sunday, the month on the New Moon, and the year on the Winter Solstice)

The check sheets also include places to remember things thought of that day:
– Things to do
– New goals and reiteration of goals
– Day’s accomplishments 

At the top of each page is the date, day of the week, and phase of the moon, which I like to attend to (part of my research).

And one more, most important, item:  Under “Write dreams or first thoughts”: “Set timer.”

Yes.  It’s not crazy-making.  It’s the opposite.

First I chose a lovely chime on my phone.  Every morning now, I set it for 30 minutes, and reset it constantly throughout the day.  (I even did it yesterday when visiting friends.  I kept it in the next room, so I could do my record-keeping discretely when it went off, let others think I was checking on an important call, made my notes, and returned to the group.)

Here’s why it’s important:  The most important thing I need to do, as a multiple, is track my thoughts, remember them, and notice if I have lost time.

Every time I hear the chime, I reset it immediately, notice that I’m aware (or not) of the last half-hour, and write  a word (or more) about what has happened in the last 30 minutes.  Takes less than a minute, but it makes me feel in charge.

It doesn’t feel burdensome because it was my decision.  I was expecting it to be helpful, but it has also given me a major boost in my confidence – and I feel happy every time it chimes because it reminds me that I created this way to cope, and I’m proud.

I even caught a bit of “missing time” on my very first day, and said to the alter who must have been out during the chime, “Wanna talk?  I’m strong enough to listen.  I would love to help and will do anything you need.”  I’m still waiting, but I haven’t had any missing time since then.

And at the end of the first day, I could see all I’d accomplished – exercise, supplements, energy work, good food, everything I wanted – and I felt great.

I’ve also been noting when I use my herbal medicine, so I can keep perfectly disciplined about how much I use, how often, and notice any corresponding reactions.  Any course correction I want to make is informed by clear memory.

(Why did no therapist ever suggest this??)

So, that’s the routine.  Every thirty minutes, the chime reminds me to breathe, relax, remember what I’ve been doing for 30 minutes, and record it.  I re-set the time, write what I’ve done for the last 30 minutes (sometimes a single word), how I feel, and anything else I want.

How the notebook is organized with a journal:

The current daily check sheet is right on top – best place – when I open the notebook, with previous daily check sheets behind.  Each day, a new one goes on top.

Behind those pages is a divider followed by my journal pages.  Since I write many pages a day, I refill it frequently with thirty or more blanks at a time.  To easily find the current page, I have a sticky-note attached to the back of the page before it, hanging out like a tab, so I can easily grab it and turn all the used pages at once.

Since I needed a way to record my thoughts, but also want to be able to look separately at dreams, accomplishments, and meditation/prayer, apart from my stream-of-consciousness journaling, I created a template that lets me record everything chronologically, but lets me see easily which category things fall into.

I hand-drew the template page (hand-drawing feels better, less rigid).  The pages, copied from the template, are filled mostly with lines for writing, with a space at the top for the page number – to keep this record of my life in careful order, hopefully with fewer and fewer missing gaps.

On the left are columns for noting date, day of week, phase of moon, and category of writing (A = Accomplishments, D = Dreams, J = Journal, M = Meditation/Self-Inquiry/Prayer.)

On the right is a column for the time I begin and end any passage, and I also record the time at the beginning and end of each page.  Right of that is a column for “notes” to point out things I don’t want missed.

If I am so into my writing when I begin or end a new page that I forget to note the time and don’t realize it until I am not sure of it, I write “oops” – to not reinforce the word forget – but to cheerfully encourage myself to do it next time.

So that’s the full Practice:  Daily check sheet of everything I want to do.  Daily summary of accomplishments and goals for the next day.  I’m reminded to breathe and relax every 30 minutes.  I feel in control of my life, in a very positive endeavor, which is showing results already.  The minutes it takes is not a hassle, but a joy.

I’ll soon sew a cloth cover for this notebook, with pockets for pens, phone, and paper things that make me happy, right now a collection of birthday cards given me a couple of months ago.  It’s good to be reminded every day that there are people who love us.  No reason not to carry those things around!

It’s my compensation package – what I need to compensate for my fractured mind – designed perfectly for me.  It makes me feel like I’ve given myself back to myself.

Extras:  A section for “scribbles” – I use when my mind is going too fast (or too many alters want to talk at once), where I can quickly jot brief notes to write about when the current subject is complete.  Art pages (and maybe a pocket for potential collage items for those art pages).  And even a page for my current best “talk to myself” for when I don’t feel like meditating!

Whenever I might take on a big project with multiple steps, I’ll add a section for planning pages that can be consulted or added to, perhaps in public, without searching through personal stuff.

And as soon as I figure out some other quirk of my mind, for which I need compensatory help, I’ll design a solution.

When the notebook is filled, I’ll remove all the pages at once, drop them in a file, and begin again.

I will post on how this continues.

Hope it’s helpful to someone out there.


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The Joy of Weeding!

weed bouquet smI don’t usually like to weed, but this morning was fun – and I learned a lot!

Greg started, and guilt brought me out.

The weeds between the street and our fence had grown up fast as usual, looked pretty for a while, but now were in that weedy seedy stage – time to go.

In recent years, I’ve become absolutely aware that the Findhorn people are right:  intelligence lives in the plants just as surely as intelligence lives in us.  

They’ve been called fairies, elementals, and more (along with gnomes, sylphs, etc. that live in the air above them and the earth below them, always in communication with each other – of course – that’s how the world works), and they are most often very indignant about the way humans bumble around in our gardens or wild areas, and they stay hidden.

I also learned that fairies hate it when their plant is cut down while in flower – as that’s where they live.

So now when I remove any weed that’s still in flower, I put it in a vase.  Simple.  They abide the disruption if we respect them, as when we appreciate them in a vase.

Even the utility area can be beautified with flowers!

Even the utility wall can be beautified with flowers!

The work was more fun with this added bit of creativity.

As I weeded, I thought about humanity, disrupting the Earth’s harmony in so many ways that most of us are oblivious to for most of our lives.

Such disrespect!  So many intelligences made so resentful of us.

And I felt that my mind control is but a microcosm of this macrocosm of ignorance and disrespect.  I’m just one more being used for someone’s purpose, disrespected as an individual they can’t see, just like all the intelligence of nature that we’ve been trained doesn’t exist and so we’ve ignored it and trampled it for most of our lives.

As I respect the intelligence of these flowers, and admire their beauty, I feel supported and strengthened by the intelligence of the Earth.  And I support myself:  I give myself bouquets!


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Powerful Full Moon to You ~

clouds-full-moonI hope this Full Moon day is a good one for you!  It has the potential to be a powerful one.

First, let’s talk about this Full Moon and what it means for us all, and in the next post I’ll share what’s come about for me in the last few days – nothing short of feeling born anew.

A few days ago, I pulled an astrological chart for the day from a site that offers the free service.  I summarized it with these keywords and phrases:

high sensitivity, high standards, strong feelings, caution, service, self-pride, self-expression, expanding consciousness, social change, and working together.  

Most important was strong feelings, which has four planets producing the effect!  Strong feelings times four!

I set aside the day  in my calendar – plus the days before and after – with the words “Stay Home” filling the spaces.

And I began wrestling with a bit more determination some of my more pressing “reality questions” and healing problems.  I wrote them down.  I addressed them more consistently in my meditation and prayers.  I listened and looked for clues.  (Sometimes clear answers were just there and obvious.)

It’s possible I have been struggling with no answers for so long because of some fault of my own, or perhaps the mind control was just very strong, and everything has its time.  In any case, this week I began to get answers.  I’ll post them soon in another blog.

Meantime, if you can and you haven’t done it already, set aside the as much time as you can for the rest of the day and tomorrow, and see what you can sense with these energies of high sensitivity.  Set your standards high.  Be ready for strong feelings (turn off the phone, give yourself quiet, treat yourself very well).  Exercise appropriate caution.  While you open yourself to service, remember to have self-pride, and express yourself.  Expect to expand your consciousness.  Know you are part of social change, and we’re all in it together.

Powerful day to you, full of blessings ~


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Three Days in Darkness

Of course, we all know, or we’ve all heard, that spiritual progress on this human plane is never really “done,” and so I think it’s the same with healing, although certain aspects of healing may be accomplished, we always have more, and we’ll certainly experience more that must be healed.

So I think I shouldn’t have been taken so low last week – I think I should have understood and taken it in stride – but I didn’t.  I thought I’d had enough, and I wanted to die.

On the third evening of three painful days, I lay on my bed and really tried to give up the ghost.  My heart had been in pain (in a vice, it seemed) for three days, and I’d been shown a print-out of my slow heart rate with an unhealthy delay between the beats of the first and second chambers.  My arms and jaw startled me now and then with their own pains throughout those days – classic heart attack symptoms I’ve had before (which I attribute to my life of mind control electroshocks and Tasering).

But after lying down, crying, sobbing, and giving up this life, but not dying, and my heart pain mysteriously gone, I got up, accepted my fate (to live), and wrote in my journal that I was pissed and not happy about it at all.

Even as I outlined my points of justification, I realized things that I could control.

1.  I don’t have enough help!

Well, I thought in response, you aren’t very consistent about asking for help. 

Point taken.

2.  I don’t have enough understanding!

Ditto answer.

Okay….

3.  I’m too messed with (my biggie, my Ace), which makes me too often too exhausted to do more than barely keep up, not a state worth continuing life for.  I never know when I’m going to wake with bruises, biopsy holes, or even Taser burns, all with incredible exhaustion which will zap all my energy and put everything in my life on hold for a week or two, making me look like a totally irresponsible person.  Not fair!

Oh, get off it!  You’ve known for a long time that nothing’s fair.  As for the attacks, you need to learn to stop them.  You need to rediscover your warrior part.  Yes, you’ve been trying, but maybe you haven’t been trying the right things, or the right timing, or something else, so life keeps on demanding this of you until you figure it out.  It’s the human condition, for where you are.  Get help, get creative, but figure it out.  Quit whining.  You know you’ve been strong in past lives and came into this world with a lot of wisdom, and yes, you’ve been “messed with,” as you say, mind controlled, but so has everyone, and even though yours might be a super-demanding version of it, it’s what you came here for.  You’re down right now, but you’ll get it.  That’s why we haven’t let you die yet.  You really do have the power to figure it out, even though you’re stumped now and angry (a cover for fear).  You’ll get over it.  And then you’ll get back to the Work.

Sigh.

And so I have.  And I have realized a couple of things that have kept me from my power:

First, I have been afraid to tell the truth about who I am because… I’m not sure, but I’m willing to bet I’ve been mind controlled to be ashamed about who I am, so I only allude to things most important to me, but usually only very subtly, and rarely.  Most of my days I’ve gone around pretending to be Every Woman, or an old-hippie version of Every Woman.  And I thought this had value, made my writing most accessible to my audience.  This is possibly true, but my writing has also been very limited, sorta of “lowest common denominator” (as I was trained to write as a journalist), and so it’s been least useful.

When I thought I was dying, I gave up “everything,” and I realized later that that also included what others think about me.  What a wonderful thing to finally give up!

It is infinitely more important for me to communicate the truth of who I am, to however small an audience, than to communicate a tepid, easy-to-accept version of me to the “masses.”

And that “safe” presentation is part of keeping me split – keeping the real me hidden (requiring splitting) while the “socially acceptable” part plays a role.  I didn’t realize I was failing so badly at simple Truth, but I was.  It reinforced my splittedness and made me forget my truth.

Second, because I wanted to be and offer something socially acceptable, I forgot what I am:  called to shamanic practice – as we call  it today.  My subconscious decision to hide has made me forget it myself, making me a very irresponsible practitioner, taking “days” off that turned into weeks and months.

I wasn’t afraid that people, at least those I cared about, wouldn’t understand or accept – as most seem to be animists at heart, so they should.  But I thought they would secretly ridicule or denounce me as either too stupid or unworthy, or as someone jumping on a bandwagon – and indeed, I myself have problems with others promoting it like the newest fad, putting it on business cards, etc.  I don’t want others to say about me what I’ve said about others!

Shamanic practice feels too sacred an avocation to speak of.  So when someone asks about one’s vocation, I haven’t known what to say; I kept it a secret, and together with other excuses, it became almost a secret to me.

But this is who I am:  I am one who sees the world in multiple dimensions and seeks (hopefully forever now more consistently) to strengthen my relationships with all my spirit help, and thereby continue my healing to the point where I will be more confident about helping others.

This all became clear only after I’d wallowed for three days in my death wish and gave up everything of this world.  When all was stripped away, I could see who I was and what is most important to me in this world.

It is:  to continue to learn personally about the other realms, develop skills in them, learn to communicate and navigate, learn to bring back information, and learn to help others – what we call shamanism or shamanic practice.  

On and off I’ve been living this life for decades, secretly.  I’ve participated in healings, and they’ve been life-changing for me and others.  I’ve received information from those on the other side.  I’ve gone there and come back.  I know my helpers.  I know my practice.

But there is so much more I need to learn.  And there’s nothing more in this world that I want to do, other than create the setting around me to facilitate this, and then use it to help myself and others.

Three days believing I was dying – it was a difficult, but clarifying time, for which I am grateful.  I now know (again) what is most important to me.  Sometimes we forget.  (The world wants us to forget.)  And sometimes only great pain can help us remember.

Now, I’m happily back in contact – wait, I forgot to confess one more failure.  I subconsciously, for decades, have attributed to my spirit help one characteristic of my parents: that they would love me more the more silent I was and the less I needed them, the less I asked for.  One of my shamanic teachers helped me recognize this ten years ago, but I “forgot”!

So now I’ve remembered and I’ve been spending lots of daily time with my help, asking for whatever I need, and making great progress for just a week.  I have a half-dozen more essays in my head to write, some designing I’ve envisioned, some practices to practice.

And I believe we can actually get through this, this crazy world in which Carlos Castaneda’s mentor Don Juan Matus said we need to “change the course of sorcery.”  The current sorcery is mind control, and we need to help change that, especially those of us who can see it so well.  This is our world too.  We have a role to play.


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Feel to Heal ~

Remember that old saying, “Gotta feel to heal”?

I felt so much yesterday, I could barely see.  It hurt to walk.  I wanted to die.

Today I feel better and understand quite a few things.

I had just extracted numbers from my journal of the last 6 months and was not surprised to see the huge number of days indicating I was truly exhausted around half the time, talking about ending my life five times, with bruises and marks left on my body, and even more details I’d forgotten about (many of which I wrote about in my last blog).

So I wasn’t surprised to feel terrible on Saturday.  I thought it was a natural response to reading my own journal!

Maybe it was Satanic rituals, as a commenter of my MK site suggested (I don’t feel like looking up old research on that to know for sure), but whatever – them or me – it had a good result:  I see some important things.

First, I realize I need to not let 6 months of stuff go by without dealing with it!  Sheesh!  What was I thinking?

I think I know:  Trying to stay positive, focused on the light (ignoring the dark), and staying more easily “functional” in this crazy, numbing world.

Yeah, but that’s not very smart, as I’ve coached others before:  Survival requires we be aware of our environment!

(We teach what we need to learn, right?  So here I am.)

Second, to accomplish that, I plan to take one day each week to summarize the previous seven days (I can handle that!), to recognize what are the energies swirling around in my life.  Have I ignored some lie (as Pamela Meyer challenges us not to do in the video I linked to in this blog)?  Where is my strength?  Where are creative juices flowing?  What do I need?

I’ll make it Sunday, since the culture makes that day more available.  It’s quiet.

Of course, there’s a daily aspect too, but it’s also important to go retrospective now and then for a longer view.

Third – well, I don’t need to share everything, but I’ll be making a new space for myself.  Power is flowing again.

I hope and pray Power and Love are flowing in you also today ~

Jean

 

 


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Speaking Truth: Becoming Whole

Recently I experienced something I haven’t had for a very long time, if not my entire life:  a new sense of being a “whole” person.

This is a powerful feeling and a powerful concept for one who’s experienced amnesia, multiple-ness and other symptoms related to dissociation or multiple personality.

Ever since 1994, when I realized I was multiple and learned very quickly that no one wanted to hear about it, I began choosing whom to tell and whom to not tell.  I didn’t realize that it might actually be okay to tell almost anyone – if I told it in the right manner, i.e., without drama and with the appropriate context.  But I didn’t know how to do that yet.

Of course, much of what I have tried to share over the years has been rejected:  mind control, government involvement, even the “craziness” of aliens.  So it made sense I wanted to avoid further rejection.

But soon I felt the discomfort of hiding the rejected stuff.  And it took some years to figure out a way to present it so that it was “acceptable” to others, not a horror.

And making it acceptable to others required that I figure out how to make it “acceptable” to me – even something I was proud to be working through – and less a horror.

I’d had one website for my memoir and another website for my business persona, and I was usually very conscious of leading people to one and never giving certain cards to others.  Sometimes, though, I spoke publicly and wondered what people thought when they heard or read about my strange life and then saw I had a very “normal”-looking presentation on my main website.  And I had no way to answer those questions.

Slowly, over the years, I began to make a few website connections, but only for people who cared enough to follow a series of almost-hidden links from one site to another.  So very few people found the connections, and no one ever talked to me about my shadow life.

Finally, last month, after some soul searching, I decided to make “Mind Control Activist” my primary activity on my main (business) site, followed by everything else I do.  I had realized that nothing in the world meant more to me than that, and I was tired of hiding it.

Wonderful new energy welled up in me as I made the changes and re-presented myself to others online, and have begun to do that same personally as well.

In a flash I realized I was facilitating more healing!  I was pulling together what others had sought to fracture!  I was refusing to stay in my self-imposed closet, enforcing my own fractures.

As I viewed my own new page, I realized I felt whole again.  There I was:  a whole person with many interests, interwoven, and all part of a cohesive whole.  Cohesive because I finally allowed them to be.

I feel “out of the closet,” and very free.

Others like me might try it – eventually, when it feels right.  Everyone has different circumstances.  And “to every time, there is a season.”


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Energized to Speak So Much Truth!

“I’ve been waiting for something to happen
For a week or a month or a year
With the blood in the ink of the headlines
And the sound of the crowd in my ear.”

— Jackson Browne, Lives in the Balance

(Greg and I have been singing that endlessly the last few days.)

Last week I wrote a blog on ParadigmSalon.net, titled “New Starting Point.”  I’d finally realized I’d written for too long the way I’d been taught as a radio journalist:  simple, 6th grade level for the average American – and finally realized that it wasn’t working, at least for “this stuff.”  I couldn’t get in “the people’s” shoes and still take my leaps.

I decided to quit writing from anyone’s vantage but my own.  I’d write only from my own, real, only partly-journalist self – the one who’s been drifting between dimensions all of my life, trying to act normal, and finding it quite a struggle.

In my 30s, as a single mom, I used to win awards and recognitions regularly, but I’ve not been very productive for the last two decades (though I’ve been trying to be useful and I think I’ve been).  I haven’t been too bothered; I’ve known something’s brewing, and soon everything’s going to change.  (I think we’ve begun.)

Since January I’ve been having two weeks at a stretch every month when I can hardly function, and Greg has to do most of the work and bring in the income.  I’ve been apologizing, but we’ve both felt that something good was coming out of all the extra sleep.

And suddenly last Full Moon, something got me out of bed, and I wrote for hours, suddenly understanding quite clearly the work I’m supposed to do, which brings together everything in perfect harmony that I have ever done in my life, but in a totally surprising way – to me.

I need to articulate what I see in the world, and what I see is a moment of history in which people wake up and speak their truth.

The urgency of this moment requires our bodies, minds, and souls; and it’s our bodies, minds, and souls that will experience the benefit.

The involvement of our souls is what makes it right that this conversation be in a church.

Now, that’s the part that daunted me, that has held me back for over a decade when this sort of idea first seemed like “crazy stuff” that would’t go away.  The idea had a sort of reality to it, so I was ordained, but then mostly forgot about it.  Besides, I thought, I have nothing to tell anyone, as I’m still fighting these things called demons.

Unknown-2Then a few months ago, Greg read to me the introduction of Black Elk Speaks, about how he had had visions like me for all his life too and was tormented by demons until he finally accepted his calling.

His description of the struggle stunned me, as he could have been describing my last decade-plus.  With astonishment, I told Greg, and God, that I would accept this calling and act when I understood it.

A few weeks went by, and the concept felt certain, but I saw no details, no practical first steps, so I didn’t think about it, other than that it was interesting, more “out there” than I like to be, and I wondered if my Spirit Help would actually convince me to do anything.

Suddenly, as I said, on the night of this last Full Moon, I got up and, not having had any ideas before, suddenly “saw it” and drafted almost everything  I needed to define this church and ministry here on this website.  And I’ve been polishing and expanding it for four days straight, and I’m totally energized by speaking this much truth!

So that’s how it’s come about, Friends.  I never wanted to take on this role, but now that I’ve written all this (including my own spiritual history – nice to not hold it secret any longer), it feels very comfortable and right.

I have a short list of upcoming sermons I’m looking forward to writing.

So please check out this website, MK Garden Healing, and if the Spirit moves you, become a member and subscribe.